Hello. Please come to my show.

I’m currently outside a pub with a seccy refusing me entry. I haven’t even had one drink, and neither has my horse. What a gaslighter!

My dream is to be so famous I’ve ditched all my friends from the ‘old neighbourhood’ to hang out with Leo DiCaprio. I call him Leo – yes, we’re that close. He takes me on his yacht and loves to talk about saving the environment in between puffs. I’m the oldest girl on the boat by far – 27 (omg, freeze your eggs). But I don’t mind because these fashion models include me on their human pyramid. Ah, it’s nice to feel included.

If you don’t come, you’re interfering with a young girl’s dreams. Let me be a dreamer, ok?

Love you, bye xxx.