Ah yes, tis that time again. A time when we sit back, take a break, drink and remember what Santa Claus died for. That’s what Christmas is right? I never listened in Sunday School.
The holidays sure can be a difficult and stressful time. There’s the gifts, the food, the booze. Not to mention your Aunt’s second husband with his long and uncomfortable hugs…or is that just a me thing?
This is why the Sydney Comedy Festival have enlisted me, Rhys Nicholson, Atheist, scholar and medicated Bon Vivant, to guide you with a few tips and tricks for the ever winding roads of this festy season.
Let me grab my eggnog and we’ll begin.
Gifts: Being a Giver and a Taker
The next time someone says to me “I think we’ve just all forgotten what Christmas is really about” I’m going to beat them with a stocking of coal. What? You think Christmas is about being around the ones you love? If that were true I’d be spending it in the cheese aisle of Coles with my pot dealer Knuckles. Christmas is about eating, holding other peoples babies, pretending to care about your cousin’s successes and getting presents.
However, I understand gift giving can be a little hard sometimes. I am what the French might call “Le broke as shit”. It you’re a little under the poverty line, listen carefully. This idea involves a little bit of craft. All you’ll need is some gloss paper, a printer and a low sense of morals. On your computer, put together a simple looking voucher for a lush giftware store/Day Spa that doesn’t exist. Call it something like Harmony Falls or some shit. Price it at $150 and print out one for each member of your family, even the toddlers. Your relatives will lose their minds. This will also deter from any awkward lunch time questions about why you don’t have a job. I’ll bet your friends and family would also enjoy a ticket to my show.
Christmas Lunch: A meat best served cold
If you’re like me, you’ve stopped reading this. You may also be sick of your family. I think family are like needles, just because you share blood doesn’t mean you need to keep in contact. In fact it’s better if you don’t.
But who wants to be lonely on Christmas? Try this, on Christmas day go to the classy part of town (usually anywhere near water). Now just knock on the door of the biggest house and whoever greets you, throw your arms around them and say “Merry Christmas! So good to see you!”. To avoid any awkwardness, they will let you in without questions. It’s important to only stay there for an hour tops. Get yourself a drink, make some friends, eat some cold meat and get outta there. Now head to the next house and repeat. Within a few hours you’ll be full, drunk and brimming of Christmas spirit (shame). Another great way to spend Christmas is buying tickets to my show.
New Years: The Children of the Resolution.
When it comes to New Years I like to keep it simple. Don’t bother trekking out into the world to see the city light up with fireworks. Just get your fill by looking at a picture of Richard Wilkins then throw a couple aerosol cans onto an open fire. It’s just like the real thing. On the other hand, with the right pill, you can have your own little fireworks display in your head.
It’s around this time I like to think about New Years Resolutions. What have I done this year? What could I work on? Where am I? Who are you? What’s that? Where are you taking me? Can anybody hear me?
The only advice I have is keep your resolution easy going. Don’t think “quit drinking”. Think “drink more water and eat more fruit” (start drinking vodka lime and sodas).
Did I mention my show is on in the New Year? Tickets available.
Well I hope this helped. If not, just be glad you’re not Jesus. Combined Christmas and Birthday presents would be the worst. Happy Holidays. Come to my show.
By Rhys Nicholson