So it’s just over 3 weeks into 2015 and if you’re anything like me, you’ve already broken all your new years resolutions. Which just so happen to be the same goals I didn’t hit in 2014. And if the nice weather and holiday season hasn’t made it hard enough for you to be healthy and productive, along comes a long weekend to really test you.
Australia Day means different things to most people. Some people protest and call it ‘Invasion Day’. Others wrap themselves up in an Australian flag and go rioting. For me it is just a day where I don’t feel guilty for drinking at midday on a Monday. However, the list of celebrations is endless. There’s fireworks, festivals, cricket matches, JJJ’s top 100, the ‘Australian of the year’ awards and more. This year I once again have missed out on winning the ‘Australian of the year award’ for demonstrating an excellence in the field of dick jokes. But the awards only go out to individuals and not groups of Australians so until then I will share with you my Australians of the year awards. These go to groups of people that annoy me more than the whole Sunrise news team put together.
Australians of the Year (Stupid Young Idiots) – Selfie sticks
Selfie sticks were the Snuggies of 2014 and now we even have the belfie stick (a bending selfie stick). There is only 2 reasons I can see for taking a selfie and they are both unacceptable. 1. You have a massive ego. 2. You have no friends to take the photo for you. Regardless of which category you fall into the selfie sticks surely can’t be here to stay so get rid of them.
Australians of the Year (Big Dumb Oldies) – Complaining about Internet security
Ok we get it! Facebook is stealing our identities and cloning people to create an army of people that can poke you to death. It’s 2015 and we know that Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Pornhub, etc are all compiling our personal attributes. Putting up a Facebook status saying you don’t give them the right to, surely won’t do anything. You’re on their system. That’s like turning yourself into a cucumber to go tell all the other cucumbers that you hate cucumbers. But now that you’re a cucumber you can’t turn back to being a human because you put all these photos up in your cucumber apartment and don’t want to get rid of them. And then you go and complain to all your human friends about being a cucumber and they’re all like, ‘Dude, you’re a cucumber!’
You get my point.
Australians of the Year award (Worst of the worst) – Cafe’s
I like to go out for coffee and breakfast most mornings. But I don’t like having to sell my possessions to do so. Enough is enough Sydney. Rent is too expensive and it’s only going up. Coffee is too expensive and it keeps going up. But the worst offender is cafe food. $15 for avocado and toast! $10 for toast with Vegemite! Not only are these items you can easily make at home, they are also boring. So time to get creative to drive the price down. Sneak your own assorted meats, cheeses, and condiments into the cafe and beef up your toast or breakfast. Instead of a cappuccino, order an extra large babycchino with a shot of coffee in it. Using these techniques we will hopefully drive down the prices of cafe’s in 2015.
Anyway guys don’t worry if you haven’t hit your resolutions. Go off and have a ‘vegemite stuffed crust’ pizza and a KFC double down dog and enjoy yourself. Just do what I do every year and make Chinese New Year resolutions. That way you get an extra month or so to wean yourself off your bad habits.
By Ray Badran